Who

Beris

What

After the search in Kurkar, Beris has had a lot on her mind.

Abandonment issues

When

It is afternoon of the fifteenth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth turn of the 12th pass.

Where

Kabelkath's Lair

OOC Date 14 Jan 2018 00:00

 

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Kabelkath's Lair

It's not something Beris thinks about often. Not now that she has more to focus on in life: a decent job, a boyfriend. But seeing the way Hila's parents were going damn near crazy with worry; her mum's panic? That's brought back feelings for Beris that she thought she'd stamped down, squashed into a little box and put aside at the back of her mind.

She can't imagine what it would feel like to be loved like that. Her adoptive parents weren't abusive, but she never felt like she truly fitted in. Living in the Underground didn't help, especially under the rule of Baham and his men. She wasn't blood - adopted, yes, but the little voice at the back of her mind always made her question whether they had picked her up so she wouldn't die, more than because they wanted a child - another child, to add to their biological children.

And what of her real parents? As a child, once she understood the circumstances of her being at the Underground, she'd liked to imagine they had been forced to give her up by some villain; when she was a young teen, this became an imagined story of illict love and a child nobody could know about, given up to passing traders. When she was older still, in the tight grip of angry hormones, they had simply abandoned her to die, not caring about her at all.

She's alone in the weyr and for that she's glad. Nobody's there to see her tears in the dawn light. Only Lyira, curled in her arms and humming softly and Zeba, looped round her neck, a warm, comforting weight. Ashamed at crying, even alone in the dim light like this, she uses the edge of the furs to wipe away the teardrops and the tracks on her cheeks. She doesn't want R'zel to come in and find her like this, even though she knows he's at drills right now. She doesn't want to even begin to try and explain how she feels right now. She barely knows how to untangle the knot of emotions the whole thing has brought up for her, let alone how to explain it aloud to someone else. She loves R'ku, of course she does, but she can't share this with him. Not yet.

That and the other thought that has come to her more and more often nowadays. She's of an age now where people are muttering about her having children. That…she doesn't think she could ever do. What if she was as terrible a mother as her parents were to her? What if she can't bring the child up properly? Ruins its life as much as her parents ruined hers? How the fuck is she going to tell R'ku she thinks she'd be the worst mother on Pern?

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